My journey toward healing...

God has been incredibly, abundantly, immeasurably faithful to me. A little over a year ago, I set out on a journey of healing, and though the road hasn't been easy, God has shown Himself faithful every step of the way. The first trek of the journey, He renewed my joy. I messed up and took a minor detour when I left my heart unguarded, but God walked the detour with me and loved me through it, redeeming even the details of my broken heart along the way. I finally made it back on track and found myself in a wonderful community of believers, smack dab in the middle of His will for my life, where He continued to show Himself faithful in the details of my walk with Him. He spoke clearly to me regarding the next step in my journey towards healing and I proceeded to walk, despite the fear and doubt that tugged at my sleeve. Yet again, He was faithful in this and I found incredible peace, love, and support. Following this triumph, an unexpected scare brought me to my knees in prayer, pleading for the life and well-being of one of my most precious friends, but God spoke through the storm and reminded me that He was sovereign, and most importantly, that His heart is for us even when circumstances leave us weary and wondering. I finally understood in my heart the old song lyric "when you can't trace God's hand, trust His heart." By the grace of God Almighty, my friend was healed and I had yet another reason to thank and praise God for His faithfulness. God had been wooing me, drawing me to Himself the whole time. Still, there were pains from my past that I was reluctant to release to Him. He loved me through my reluctance, and eventually, I conceded. I proceeded in obedience, and lo and behold, He was faithful. He's teaching me that He truly honors obedience. He's also teaching me that I need to surrender and walk humbly, because humble surrender is key to walking in the freedom of His grace. This journey is hard, and at times it hurts beyond belief, but I remember one of my favorite verses:

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourself be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

I also remember that if my heart was worth dying for, then it is surely worth fighting for, too. I heard it said just recently that "His love makes me worthy." I'm finally seeing myself, at least partially, through God's eyes of unconditional love. I am worthy because He made me worthy! This isn't to say that I am without fault or problem- quite the opposite! I'm broken. Some days, even falling apart at the seams. But, He's teaching me that part of healing is learning to embrace that brokenness. I've always thought that admitting brokenness was weak. Again, quite the opposite. Embracing brokenness is strength! It's healthy. It's wholeness. (Though as my chaplain recently said, we must also be careful not to be "over-flowingly toxic.") I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, these cement walls, barbed-wire fences, and alligator-infested trenches around my heart are being demolished. And in their place, I will stand, vulnerable, broken, and beautiful. Yielded to my Savior. Trusting in my Lord. Healed. Whole. I look forward to that day with eager anticipation. And in the mean time, I keep walking, listening, surrendering, and thanking God for His faithfulness to me, right now.

"And everything that does not come from faith is sin." The Holy Spirit convicts people differently. To force your conviction upon someone else is unjustified, as surely their faith is not identical to your faith. (Granted, there are universal convictions explicitly revealed in scripture.) Our job is to glorify Christ and love His people. So love. And when necessary, speak truth... in grace. But please, don't judge someone whose convictions differ from yours, as surely their faith is different, too.

Made to love Love.

Excerpt from "Discovering the Mission of God:

"God tells Moses time after time to instruct Pharaoh to let his people go. This is the popular message of the book of Exodus. “Tell Pharaoh, ‘Let my people go!’” But why? So they might worship him (Exodus 9:13). It is true that God is rescuing Israel—but not for Israel’s sake. God desires that Israel worship him. That is the “why” behind the exodus event. That is the “why” behind the mission of God.

Listen to God as he instructs Moses what to tell Pharaoh:

This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me, or this time I will send the full force of my plagues against you and against your officials and your people, so you may know that there is no one like me in all the earth. For by now I could have stretched out my hand and struck you and your people with a plague that would have wiped you off the earth. But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. (Exodus 9:13–16)"

For God’s glory, and for His glory alone.

How selfish of me to wallow in my brokenness? My healing was never about me to begin with. Yes, God desires for me to live a victorious Christian life, but more so, He desires for me to unashamedly and unreservedly worship Him, glorify His name, and make His name known. Can I do that when I’m stuck in my own rut? Not fully. Not rightly. No, my healing really was never about me because my life was never about me. I was made to worship. I was made to glorify. I was made for God. Not that He needed me- He is fully and wholly sufficient. I was made simply because He loved me- He loved my worship. He knew me and He still loved me. But... He is Love. He is Love, and He made me for Him, made me to love Him. To love Him. To love Love? To glorify Him... through loving others, through serving others. To worship. To be. He made me for Him. Humbling. 

I have been forever changed. I hear people say this all the time and I must admit, I'm usually a little bit skeptic. But, I've experienced it and I know it to be absolutely true in my life. My freshman year of college left me with a lot of alone time and I took full advantage of those moments with God. One evening, as I meandered around my room worshipping along with my ipod, I felt God nudging me to really enter into His presence. I started praying, but that wasn't good enough- I needed to fully surrender. As I lay face-down on the floor, I implored of God- I asked Him to change me. I was no longer satisfied with the mediocrity of my walk with Him. I wanted to be completely dependent on Him, completely engulfed by His love, completely surrendered to His will. He met me in that place and I encountered His Holy Spirit unlike ever before. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth, no emotional climax, no goose bumps or tears- just a beautiful, peaceful, wonderful moment basking in His presence. He renewed my joy that day. No, not renewed- let's face it, I wasn't all that joyful before hand- no, He gave me a new joy. He became my joy. My entire demeanor shifted. Even though life continued on much the same, my reaction to it was vastly different. I embraced hope, I saw beauty in pain, I knew peace is struggle. And although I am faced with new obstacles constantly, I am fortified by my Savior- His joy is my strength through it all. This world may be ugly, but this walk is beautiful, and this girl is blessed!

Your Presence in my Pain

"He's faithful to the end. He's faithful to my heart. He's faithful to the end. He will come and marry me."  Faithful to the End by Cory Asbury 

I needed that reminder, Lord- that You are faithful to my heart. That You are faithful to the end. That You are faithful to redeem. My heart has been wrenched and broken and although I wish I could pick up the pieces, put them back together and move forward as if nothing had happened, I can't. I have to heal and most importantly, I have to listen. I have to listen for the lesson You are teaching me through this pain. You've revealed so much to me already and this process has only just begun! You have always been present in my pain, and always compassionate through my healing. I had lost sight of the hope I once knew, but I'm finding it again and finding it brighter and more beautiful than ever. You are my hope, and You are always faithful.

Cutting branches.

"I am the true vine; my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that does not produce fruit. And he trims and cleans every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce even more fruit. You are already clean because of the words I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. A branch cannot produce fruit alone but must remain in the vine. In the same way, you cannot produce fruit alone but must remain in me."

John 15: 1-4 

I've definitely felt the sting as the Holy Spirit has trimmed away at me lately. I moaned and complained about how painful the recent transitional season in my life was because I let the pain cloud my vision. It wasn't until later that I realized that transitions are painful because it's during painful moments that I'm shaped and molded into a more beautiful, and better prepared disciple. I had to endure the pain of the transition so that I could be ready to enter into the next season of my life. God orchestrates the segues in our lives for specific and divine purposes which we don't always recognize. But the Master Architect knows what He's doing, if only I would learn to trust in Him! Transitions are like sandpaper, sanding down our bumps and imperfections so that the slate is smooth and ready to serve its ordained purpose. God is using this transition in my life to show me just how much I need Him. He alone is the source of my joy, my strength, and my peace. It may take a few more painful transitions before I truly abandon myself to His perfect will, but I'm closer now than I once was.

Sometimes I lose my way...

I must admit, I've strayed pretty far lately. I've gone into tunnel vision mode; overlooking God's goodness because my worries have clouded my vision. A few wonderful young ladies reminded me how awesome my God is... through their facebook posts- 'gotta love that! I wonder why some days I'm head-over-heels in love with my Savior, yet others I forget to even acknowledge His presence. I'm far from perfect, but I'm striving. The key is perseverance. I haven't persevered very well as of late. But, I'm learning from my mishap and I'm moving on. Hopefully I've learned my lesson, but I'm almost positive I'll mess up again. The beauty behind every mistake is the chance to try again, the chance to do better. I hope I've learned my lesson this time. Every time I rely on my own strength, I end up flailing around in my mess, crying out and asking God "WHY ME?" only to realize that it's BECAUSE of me. It shouldn't be hard to trust in the God who created the world, who can part seas, move mountains, create and destroy life, who put the world into motion, who loves me sooooo incredibly much that He died for me. And yet I still try to control my own life? I try to forge my own paths and make my own doors, and those of us who have been there can tell you that it doesn't work out so well. He created me- shouldn't He know what's best for me? Of course He does! I will trust in Him. (: